From December 2006

Thoughts ravage and race through the labyrinth of my mind, weaving unchartable patterns that even the most seasoned veteran would be unable to navigate. Not knowing where they should go, what they should be doing and finding no exit. Only traveling for lack of something better or more productive to do. Why must they wreak such havoc without an outlet? Why must I continually deny the fact that I want to cry to the heavens? Yell out my frustration in order to actually feel, actually experience some form of emotion, instead of consciously blocking all sensory preceptors to avoid the impending hurt. Such is the plight of the tough exterior that I constantly front. Nobody really knows how I feel…or who I am. Do I even know? That is my decision, one that has taken its toll and forced me deeper into the shadows of my soul, further distancing me from the world that seeks to ease the constant confusion of everyday life.

Once, as a child, I felt that the world was laid at my feet merely waiting to be conquered, that I was perched on the edge of something truly fantastical. I could be and do anything, as the cliché goes. Now, as a pseudo-adult, I find that the world has conquered me. I am searching through darkness, running blindly into oblivion and not knowing where the final stop of the terrifying ride will be. What am I meant for? What do I stand for? Who am I? That’s the real question: who the hell am I? Am I the child/grandchild that, daily, makes my family proud? Am I the friend who always lends a listening ear? Am I the girl in the corner of the crowded bar that simply wants to disappear? Am I the One? I don’t think that I will ever know the answer to these umbrella questions that hang in the air around my aura. That is a fact that I have come to terms with, though perhaps not accepted. Why should I accept it? What is the point of accepting when you yearn for change? Something new, something unexpected, I want to dazzle! Shine on like an inexhaustible star that has not reached the end of its existence. One day…perhaps.

As for the present, I have come to terms with the darkness, with the unintelligible. I have embraced the banausic in life, content to live in silence and detachment with the outcasts of the world, a black sheep. Bullshit! Why lie? I have an inner restlessness which longs to be unshackled, to roam and run free. I want to stand on the cliff of life as I did as a child and feel the breeze caress my skin, running light and gentle kisses across my face, sweeping invisible fingers through the hair that whips around my head, embracing my body with desire and utter faith. Elevating the beauty that lies beneath the surface of my skin…waiting, dormant. That’s the truth of the matter. It beckons me and I ignore it. Why? Fear of the unknown, unwillingness to change, fear of what those around me might think. All of these and more stop me from standing on that cliff and basking in the whispered breath of God.

I crave the release that is waiting just beyond my reach. Inches away from the tips of my fingers lay the answers to all of my questions, the truth to what I seek. If I could only stretch, aggrandize, my inquiries far enough, maybe I could grasp that which is just past my perception, snatch it to my heart and hold on for dear life.


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